The other week I’m talking with therapist via video conference and she hits me with a thought; maybe I don’t believe I deserve love. This is hard to argue since I have never had a success in having a relationship or a consistent dating experience. I’ve always felt I was too “retarded” or “slow” to be with someone else unless they had a similar diagnosis.
Where does that label come from?
For society, I am “retarded” because I can’t see when I’m being played. For society, I am “slow” because of the monotone voice I have. For society, I fit both of these things because I have a lazy eye. For society, I am more fitting to be a victim if I date than a victor.
People who have experienced being treated as a lessor develop a very keen sense of whether the same situation is going to happen again. This keen sense, a bullshit detector if you will, is also the same ability that keeps away those same people from having a relationship. There is nothing written or experienced in my opinion that says you will have a good relationship marriage because he or she lacks the f*** boy or girl antics you were used to dealing with. This way of thinking does not mean that in anyway shape or form will you have a better partner as you aren’t focused on the positives of an individual and whether those positives benefit you.
Most likely people who have experienced that much trauma can’t imagine what anything good feels like. Most likely people who have experienced that much trauma can only imagine what anything hurtful feels like. Love is a lie, a myth for 90s rom-coms and endless lifetime moves, a set of ideas were suckas are born.
For me to not feel “retarded”, “slow” or a “sucka”, I have to get to know me first and get to know the things about me that are worth being with me even all I have is me. Once I can get a handle on that by ACTUALLY doing the work, I’ll feel in a more confident space to date. At this point, I’m just a walking free dinner that you can talk shit about.
And that is not happening any longer.