Future Anxiety

If any of what I wrote feels like a repeat of something I said before, you have my permission to tune out (or click off in this case). I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a thing called the future and that I play a part in how its formed. The problem is that I’m never sure how exactly to shape that future or if I’ll even be better off when I get there.

The automatic go-to for my future is obviously to make more money and not rely on any financial gains that I received from selling my parents’ house. I could always go for another position at my current company or go to another when my skill set goes up. Either way, the desire to be able to take care of yourself financially is a no-brainer.

As for my personal wealth, be it mental or socially, I’m not sure that is entirely something I will be successful at. I get that you have to speak things into your life that you want for them to happen, but I don’t think the universe is always great at responding to your wants and desires. As a matter of fact, the universe really turns a deaf ear to most of our ideas and does its own thing. My life may never be full of happiness or social acceptance. I may very well be just a survivor in life.

While it isn’t entirely healthy to be in a state of survival, it doesn’t seem healthy to pressure yourself into some fake ideal version of happiness or to acquire a mass amount of people just to say you have friends (full disclosure: I believed this even before the social media age). I’m sure there is a natural way to be happy and to be social, I just have to be willing to find it.

Perhaps that’s just it – I’ve gotten beaten down so much by caring and considering others that I don’t put myself first. Putting myself first feels like selfishness, egotistical and narc-y. Putting myself first however is a key component of the survival mindset.

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