]I’m writing this from one of those shared office places. The investment in such an idea is expensive, at least on a monthly basis; $300 dollars and some change. The cheaper route would have been to use Starbucks, which everyone where I live uses, or some other place that offers free wi-fi. Given that I hate crowds, I’d rather plunk that money for the peace of mind than other computer part or hotel room.
All that crap aside, here are some things that I learned about myself.
Number One: I Am An Asshole At The Wrong Times For The Wrong Reasons
I’ve made a point of saying, which is rather a way of halting my own emotional progress, that no one person is “good” or “evil”. Everyone is a mixture of the two and co-exist within the human brain. The agreement you make with yourself, or your brain, is that you learn to balance when it’s time to let the asshole out and put the good guy away in the corner. This weekend was not one of those times.
I allowed the stress and frustration of my job last week culminate in me being short and curt with people who didn’t deserve that. There was a part of me that felt like what I did was no different than those mid-20 somethings on social media who uses “f***k your feelings” as a tag line on their profile. Sometimes, I thought to myself, it comes to that.
While you can justify your reason, the delivery and tone of choice that the FYF persona requires means you don’t gauge just how much you hurt the other person. In that mindset, the person or the feelings of the other person doesn’t matter; their presence is meant to feel like a red-headed stepchild getting a long and stern warning about breaking s*** in the house that is still on layaway.
Number Two: When I Feel Bad, I Cut The World Off
If you have ever talked to me and I sounded and acted as if I was a million miles away, it is because I didn’t have the balls and the decency to let you know that I was having a moment. Let’s get this out of the way; years ago this was ok before everyone started accusing people of being too in their feelings and “weak”. This was worse in the earliest part of the year as I was still dealing with the loss of my mother and father within the past two years. Things have gotten better, but I still need to have my little escape so that feel better without people having to endure the long process of me getting better.
Number Three: I Sleep Too Much
There are 24 hours in a day. Outside of eight hours at work for five days a week, I spend most of that time making the general mistake of being asleep.
Number Four: I Stay Up Too Late
I feel as if the time that I am the most free is when I am up late at night.
Number Five: That’s It
I think I should have stayed at three.