It’s just before 1:30am on Sunday.
9/11 has come and gone.
While some celebrated a birthday, others mourned those that died on that faithful day. In the midst of all coverage replaying the events and the emotional aftermath, I found myself asking perhaps a really stupid question: Which was worse? 9/11 or the current pandemic. The question is inappropriate to me because it allows a perverse Olympic competition to take place between two tragic historical events and the prize is endless mourning.
Me being me, I did just that.
I didn’t lose anyone during 9/11, so the feelings about what happened are not as strong. The day before on Friday I had an emotional breakdown watching all those people go through the process of recounting what happened on that day and how lives have been changed since then. Charlie Gibson, who used to be on Good Morning America, said the country was much more unified during that time than it is now.
I never have been into large crowds or having a lot of people in my inner circle. I’ve always been introverted and have worked hard every so often to occasionally attempt life as an extrovert. The results have been mixed to say the least. With the pandemic now the most present danger to us all, our world is now divided between our own individuals’ choices and how they affect others.
One could argue that’s been the world we live in for decades and decades.
This time that we live in FEELS more divided. Sure, you can point to any number of political debates, protests and other such occurrences to get that confirmation but you can’t discount the emotional shift in people as the pandemic continues. Even as the world tries to resume some sort of normalcy, it feels like we are all strangers to each other having been locked up in our homes and feeling scared at how oddly unreal everything is now.
As a result of this pandemic, I’ve also come to realize more than ever that there is no point to hanging on to anything that doesn’t serve me whether it be it a person, place or thing. A small piece of property I own is the first things I am doing away with because I want a new start that has nothing to do with the past and isn’t a huge burden to look after. The drive to make friends, to make a relationship with anyone, isn’t important as it once was. Getting taken for a joy ride only to find out who weren’t even relevant as a passenger on that ride after years and years is not my cup of tea anymore.
Now you may ask, what do I want for my life now?
In all honesty, to practice handling my emotions better and learning to be ok with releasing them sometimes. Finding ways to forgive myself for past mistakes, healing from the trauma of the past and learning to not feed toxic behaviors are also things I need to add to the list. What also should added to the list? knowing that some days you fall short of the glory you seek for yourself.
I think I’ll make more of this journey on this blog and see how it goes.