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Meh

This is the feeling I have today. It would be nice to actually be engaged, to be energetic like one of those characters in a fucking musical who sing their way through their successes and their woes. Be as I am older and don’t care to do this, I emulate the feeling the rest of the world has.

Do I really have to get up today?

Can I shut the world out for awhile?

Can I just not be part of society, please?

Whiny? No. Those sentiments, those feeling often associated harshly with people who aren’t “alphas” are the feeling of the normal people around the world. Sometimes the “get it done” mentality leaves no room for rest. When you finally do, you realize how much your drive actually makes you your own slave.

Me going to sleep is not a function of not wanting to be successful or rich, but a function of me giving my mind and soul a chance to engage in a soft reset. To engage in a realignment of my world keeps me focused even when part of how that works is having a CPAP mask over my damn face.

I hate wearing this shit, but it’s a key reason I am able to get a decent amount of sleep in the first place.

Let’s hope this day goes by smoothly.

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Nine Twelve Twenty Twenty One

It’s just before 1:30am on Sunday.

9/11 has come and gone.

While some celebrated a birthday, others mourned those that died on that faithful day. In the midst of all coverage replaying the events and the emotional aftermath, I found myself asking perhaps a really stupid question: Which was worse? 9/11 or the current pandemic. The question is inappropriate to me because it allows a perverse Olympic competition to take place between two tragic historical events and the prize is endless mourning.

Me being me, I did just that.

I didn’t lose anyone during 9/11, so the feelings about what happened are not as strong. The day before on Friday I had an emotional breakdown watching all those people go through the process of recounting what happened on that day and how lives have been changed since then. Charlie Gibson, who used to be on Good Morning America, said the country was much more unified during that time than it is now.

I never have been into large crowds or having a lot of people in my inner circle. I’ve always been introverted and have worked hard every so often to occasionally attempt life as an extrovert. The results have been mixed to say the least. With the pandemic now the most present danger to us all, our world is now divided between our own individuals’ choices and how they affect others.

One could argue that’s been the world we live in for decades and decades.

I disagree.

This time that we live in FEELS more divided. Sure, you can point to any number of political debates, protests and other such occurrences to get that confirmation but you can’t discount the emotional shift in people as the pandemic continues. Even as the world tries to resume some sort of normalcy, it feels like we are all strangers to each other having been locked up in our homes and feeling scared at how oddly unreal everything is now.

As a result of this pandemic, I’ve also come to realize more than ever that there is no point to hanging on to anything that doesn’t serve me whether it be it a person, place or thing. A small piece of property I own is the first things I am doing away with because I want a new start that has nothing to do with the past and isn’t a huge burden to look after. The drive to make friends, to make a relationship with anyone, isn’t important as it once was. Getting taken for a joy ride only to find out who weren’t even relevant as a passenger on that ride after years and years is not my cup of tea anymore.

Now you may ask, what do I want for my life now?

In all honesty, to practice handling my emotions better and learning to be ok with releasing them sometimes. Finding ways to forgive myself for past mistakes, healing from the trauma of the past and learning to not feed toxic behaviors are also things I need to add to the list. What also should added to the list? knowing that some days you fall short of the glory you seek for yourself.

I think I’ll make more of this journey on this blog and see how it goes.

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What To Say

I haven’t had much of a reason to write even thou I tell myself that I am a writer. Doers do and writers write. How is it that everything I have to say about myself and gets drowned out in apathy? How is it that despite me not having anyone or anything to concern myself with at this moment in time, I chose to not do even that for myself.

I am in my early 40s, the place where you should have an understanding of what your life is supposed to be like. Despite having been there for the past three years I feel no closer to the answer as of yet. The past doesn’t loom over my thought process as much, but the present and future seem like some kind of complex fucking rubix cube that I need a cheat sheet to solve.

My therapist believes I hade made progress, but I keep feeling like I need some kind of Walt Disney breakthrough where I get a sudden revelation that the feelings of being a fat, unloved insecure bald-headed forty something year old man are unwarranted. I keep reaching for the “fuck it” formula that makes sense for the life I want to lead.

It’s like I want to get to the destination before I go through the journey. A painful, mistaken ridden, embarrassing journey with no Elton John musical numbers or deceased parents talking to me through crystals or clouds (yes those are Superman and Lion King references).

This blog I suppose will be a combination of that journey, all the shitty situations and thoughts that go with it and other stuff going on around the world.

Stay Tuned.